Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.
The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea says, "That's the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by... When the first flea shows up in Miami he shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea. "I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh no!", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?!"

A Blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The Blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying... "Ehhhh... 22."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces..."Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The Air head bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying..."Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the Air head," I was just running through that song...'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' "

Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right!
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!"
He continued, "And I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. He said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree got its start... MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone

Instruktøren havde store planer om hans kommende krigsfilm.

Han sagde til producenten: "Kan du se det?? 200.000 skuespillere spiller soldater fra Nordstaterne og 200.000 skuespillere spiller soldater fra Sydstarterne."
Producenten: "Er du vanvittig?? Det har vi slet ikke råd til i løn"
Instruktøren: "Det er nemt løst. Vi bruger rigtige kugler"

Tak for et godt aftengrin - især dem på engelsk

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 AM in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 AM in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, 'Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it! I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more SHOPPING trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend of theirs entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and
before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say '@!#$!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?".
The driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det could not be proper vair I come from".
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing?".
He paused a moment, then told her ... "Vell, Ma'am I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, "Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride"?

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

The teacher sat down and cried.

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SH*T!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
...
She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful swines should remember fairies are female

Two books are talking.

Book 1: I think you look thinner

Book 2: Yes I got rid of my appendix ....

Sanne: Tak, må jeg låne den?? *GGG*

Praxis

Jeg elsker når du lægger nye vitser ind! Bliv endelig ved!

Lene

A termite walks into a bar and asks:" Is the bar-tender here?"

Praxis - tag den bare, der er ikke en jeg har opfundet

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.

She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around.

Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.

A short distance down the road, the Corvettes--both going well over 120 mph--blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "And you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again . Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'I'm Moses.' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'

En blondine havde lige fået en ny bil. En rød sportsvogn som hun var meget glad for.

Hun satte sig ind og kørte og kørte og kørte, og ved aftenstide løb hun tør for benzin midt inde i en stor skov.

Hun vandrede rundt på må og få i nogle timer indtil hun stødte på en lille hytte. Hun bankede på og en gammel skovhugger åbnede døren. "Du kan sove her i nat, men begge mine sønner er uberørte og det forventer jeg de osse er imorgen tidlig!"

Det gik blondinen ind på, men ud på natten meldte den søde kløe sig alligevel. Hun smuttede ind til sønnerne uden den gamle skovhugger opdagede det.. Og om morgenen lånte hun noget benzin og kørte sin vej.

Flere år senere er den gamle skovhugger død og sønnerne sidder om bordet og taler om gamle dage.

"Kan du huske blondinen der overnattede hos os?" spurgte den ældste og den anden søn svarede bekræftende.

"Er du ikke osse ligeglad om hun bliver gravid?"

"Jo, egentlig, vi kender hende jo ikke.."

"Skal vi så ikke tage de !#¤%&%¤#"! kondomer af?"